But I know the truth! He may have a fur coat and a long fuzzy tail, but he's just a rodent in disguise! (points for anyone who knows the song parody referenced here)
he was an..
AN EBIL SQUIRREL!!!!!
You heard me right! One of those pesky, annoying, pestering, teasing, twitchy little monsters was IN OUR HOUSE!!!! Right inside our house! Without a leash or cage or anything!
Don't faint on me now, Ladycats.. it gets worse! But I promise everyone in this epic story survived, harm free!
To fully understand the story, I need to give you some background on how our house is weirdly built (or I should say, weirdly remodeled because we bought it from the remodel-er and we can affirm that he knew not what he was doing..) We have a stairway kind of smack dab in the middle of the house, you can go both ways around it, giving us a circle to run round and round and round if we feel like it. Next to the stairs is the furnace on one end and the hot water heater on the other end. In the middle is the chimney that both of those objects tie into but basically it's a big empty void of probably four feet by 3 feet. Birds used to sit on the chimney, get overcome by the exhaust and fall in, down to the bottom floor where they'd wake up and freak the heck out and my mom or dad would have to get them out. To do that, they'd take the pipe off the top of the water heater which goes up a few inches then bends to go almost straight into the wall of that little void space so the fumes can go up and out the chimney. Once they move the pipe, they better have the front door open because the bird would fly to the opening, sometimes pause for a second, then fly straight out the door! Only once did one get turned around; the curtain on the window beside the door was open and the bird thought that was 'out' and when it wasnt, he turned around and went into the kitchen (probably needed a snack after that ordeal) and flew around out there, banging into those windows until someone directed it back to the living room and out the door, whew!
Daddy put a chimney cap on years and years ago and we haven't had a bird since, not in my lifetime even. (this was all in the previous kitty's life times and they had fun staring at the furnace and water heater alerting to where the noise was coming from)
So, back to now. I think it was Friday when mom kept hearing some noises, like things being knocked over. She assumed it was us! Can you imagine the insult! As if I, or my sisters, would be throwing things around the the kitchen! I mean, there wasn't even anything interesting out there to bat around! She heard one big noise and saw me running down the hall way and assumed I did something. As if! She figured out later that I was actually running from my vigil in front of the furnace. Um! I mean, running to tell her about it, not running away! Honest, I'm a big brave mancat! I just.. needed to report on the situation..
Cut to Saturday and after having heard lots of noises all morning and still thinking it was cat related, mom starts hearing the frantic scraping and scratching of tiny claws along with some "oooo ooo ooo" noises. Oh great, she thought, a dove fell in! And it's in the furnace itself, not the void! Furnace gets shut off so as not to incinerate the 'dove'.
When daddy got home, he tried to explain that there's no way a dove could get into the actual furnace, but hey, that's not how momma hears it, so the furnace stays off. Thank goodness for our fur coats! Mom's all "Dismantle the furnace!" And dad's all "I don't hear anything, are you sure it's still there?" The no noise persisted so they decided to nap on it. Pardon me here, while I wipe a tear, but I'm so freaking proud of my parents! This is the most cat like thing ever, isnt it?! You love them, you try to teach them, and then *sniff* they go and do something so perfectly right and you know you did your job! They woke up to more frenzied scrambling claws and "oooo ooo ooo"ing and daddy was all, guess you're right. But still, daddy insisted it wasn't in the furnace so he went to the other side and the water heater and yup, he could hear it over there. So out came the pipe and the door stood open waiting for the 'dove' to fly out!
The only one who wanted out was me! Yes, after years and years of never caring what was outside, I decided that I wanted to go out that wide open, unguarded door. Mom freaked, Daddy came running to grab me and I ran and hid under mom's bed. Then Glitter decided she wanted to go out that big open door! Mom freaked, dad ran, Glitter went upstairs. And then you know what happened?? you got it! Cashmere! She wanted to go out, mom freaked, dad ran, but she didnt get away! Daddy scooped her up and put her in the laundry room and shut the door! I tried it again... but again, I got away and under the bed. Glitter tried and, she got scooped and put in the laundry room! I knew my freedom was in jeopardy so I stayed hidden. For a while. During all of this, mom was in charge of watching the door (which is why she was doing freak out duty and dad was doing the running and grabbing) I tried again.. but I stayed in the middle of the room, watching, waiting. Behaving so I didnt get my furry butt locked up! Daddy let me be as long as I stayed there.
Ok, so why didn't this silly bird get the heck out while all this was going on? We had no idea. Then daddy said, "I don't think it's a dove..." Mom asked how he could tell. "Because I'm looking at it and it has a nose.." Dad, who was watching from beside the water heater, to keep anything from deciding to go to the kitchen instead of the door, kept peeking in and finally the little bugger stuck it's head out, "It's a squirrel!" daddy said! And oh boy was he sassy! He was cussing up a storm in ebil squirrel-speak! Chattering and ooo ooo oooing and carrying on like we were responsible for his predicament! "well just leave!" daddy told him, but nooooo He was not in the mood to just leave. First it was just his nose, then his head, then two front paws and his head.. but that was it! He wouldn't come all the way out!
He wasn't afraid of daddy so much any more either, he kept his head out and scolded him for the longest time. Mom wondered if he had too big a butt to get out, but she thinks they are like cats; if the head can get out, so can the body. Dad finally wondered if he couldn't get out because he had his back feet on the firewall and his front feet on the drywall and couldn't make a leap in that small hole. Don't know why he couldn't just pull himself through.. but dad decided to cut the hole larger so he could jump out. This required a trip out to the garage and required that I, once again, try to get outside! This time, I got caught! And put in the laundry room with the sisters. Rats.
Daddy makes the hole larger. Mom is freezing because the door has been open for hours now and the furnace is still off so they take a squirrel break and get mom settled in bed under covers. During this mom heard the door squeak but dad said it was the wind. They wait forever and... nothing. no more scolding sounds, no more foot scrambling sounds, no little nose sticking out the hole. Nothing. Dad decides it somehow got back up the chimney (which, above that little void has a round metal chimney pipe that is not conducive to little animals climbing..) Mom says it got out the door when they weren't watching, dad maintains chimney. Who knows. Who cares, turn on the heat!!
The rest of the night, nothing, no noise. We were let out, by the way, when the door got shut and the furnace turned back on. Sunday, nothing, not a peep. Monday, all quite in the morning. Monday afternoon though... Someone starts with the squirrel cussing and claw scrambling in there again! Sissies and I went on high alert and stood guard by the furnace and the water heater! Mom called dad at work and he said, oh wonderful... When he got home, we started all over again.
And here's where it all gets very interesting and even more scary!!!!!
But.. considering how long this epic story is so far, I think perhaps we should leave it on a cliffhanger and finish it tomorrow!
Leo, the epic bard: Cue the dramatic music, cut the lights, pick it up tomorrow, people! heh heh heh!