An Expedition of Terror and Triumph by a Brave Young Mancat
My name is Leo. My game is.. well, usually it’s feathers, but the other day, it was exploration. It’s a tale filled with highs and lows and enough horror to put hair on your chest, even if you’re not a manly man cat who already has a chest full of gloriously long gray furs.
It was an average day, but I was not in an average mood. I decided that I needed to take an expedition to the Land of Running Water and Tree High Views. I felt a little trepidation, but I ignored it. Looking back, maybe I shouldn’t have. But it’s too late now and I cannot regret anything. Us manly he-cats never do.
I was sure I knew who was in the Land of Running Water and Tree High Views, so I had no qualms about running in at full speed. You see, the Land is not the scary part. It’s getting there. First, you have to climb Mount Stairs where there is no cover to protect you from the Growling Creature who lives up there. Once you reach the top, it becomes even scarier! You have to pass the Cave of the Growling Creature which is RIGHT at the top, and has many was for the hissing, slavering, terrible terrorizing beast to conceal itself until it’s too late for brave young souls to get away scot-free.
There’s only one way to do it, and that’s full speed, no looking back! So I crept up the stairs, took a deep breath and dived into the Land! I almost crashed into mommy’s legs! But I made it! No Growling Creature, no hissing, no nothing. Whew! Time to check things out and get some much deserved petting!
You know those movies, the kind my mommy refuses to watch, where it seems like everything turned out good, and all the horror has passed and the hero has gotten away clean only to be SUDDENLY INEXPLICABLY ATTACKED once he’s calm and relaxed his guard?? Well that is EXACTLY what happened! I was sitting there, barely inside the door, letting my heartbeat slow down while I decided where to explore first when from behind I heard it..
ggGGRRRRROOOOOWWWLLLLLLLLL! HISSSSS! SPITTT! Accompanied by the WhapWhapWhap of those fast paws on the floor RIGHT BEHIND MY BUTT!
Thankfully, it missed me as I dove further into the room. But the Growling Creature wasn’t stopping! She continued to hiss and sound like she was in a catfight, but she was just sitting there just outside the door... (can you say nutjob? Yeesh)
Mommy thought fast! She swung the door shut! Right in Princess HissyFace’s face! AHAHAHAHAHA! That was great!
While funny, and effective, the door was not shut shut. I mean, you couldn’t see the Growler any more, but the door wasn’t shut tight. Mommy thought this was good enough, even though she KNOWS Grumblepuss KNOWS how to push open doors left like this! In fact, she can’t even stand to see one like that when she doesn’t even care to go in! She just opens them to open them! So the danger was not past, but it was abated. There would be a warning if the creature got in because the door would have to swing open before she entered.
Ok, so I took some time to scope out the Land, since that’s why I was here in the first place.. I did a quick circuit then sniffed at the door to see if I could tell if the growler was still there. Mommy knew what I really wanted though, so she picked me up for a fast snuggle (ok, I’m trying to be manly here, mom.. keep it cool..). The snuggle wasn’t what I wanted, but it put me in proximity to where I wanted. I wriggled until mommy put me down on the Tableau of the Periodically Running Water. A few of my feet slipped into the basin, luckily the running water wasn’t running. Us manly he-cats don’t take baths until the expedition is over.. I got control of the situation and went to my goal, the Tree High View! I nudged aside the gauzy blue ..uh.. leafy thingies, and looked at amazing vistas available from way up there. My tail was twitching overtime as I spotted the birdies that live in the eves right above the View!
Side note: Mommy complains that she’s had to move the heavy ceramic soap dispenser because I get so excited that I knock it into the sink with my huge tail and wriggling butt and it’s ears have chipped off. It’s shaped like a kitty, but it’s a white kitty, not gray, so I think she should replace it anyway.. But I digress..
The birdies left quickly; I have no idea why.. I was smiling at them, a big toothy smile even! You’d think that would
So I am leaning way out, front paws on the other side, and I try for three paws. I get that paw up on the window and mommy warns me to be careful.. pffft, brave he-cats don’t have to be careful. We laugh in the face of danger! HAHAHA! I valiantly tried to put the last paw on the narrow sill, but it was standing on the dangerous, slippery stack of magazines, which started to slide on me! (Seriously, who reads Popular Mechanics anyway.. there’s no cats in it at all! Not one!) Mommy grabbed the stack before it could fall, thus saying she saved me.. but come on, I didn’t need saving, I would have made it.. probably.. maybe... 50/50 chance.. ignore mommy’s defeatist guess of 80/20 against me..
Anyway, I gave up. No birdies anyway as I said. So I hopped down. The creature must have heard my manly landing thump! It set up a growl RIGHT OUTSIDE THE DOOR! I put my nose to the crack to see if I could tell where the beast was. I was clearly
Whew! I could explore in peace now! No WAY that awful thing can get me now! I started with the double curtain around the Large Occasional Water Fall Basin. It’s way cool to scoot back and forth between them, making them flutter.. One of these days I’m planning on climbing them, no matter what mom says.. heh heh heh
Inside the Large Occasional Waterfall Basin is cool too! Lots of stuffs to knock down and kick around! There’s towels to lay on, including stacks of them in the tall white cupboard which isn’t all that hard to figure out how to open!
Suddenly there was a noise outside the door. The securely closed door, but still, it bore checking out. I put my nose to the door, but with it fully shut, I couldn’t see anything. So I listened. I heard digging. The she-beast must have been in the new box! I tapped the door and the digging stopped, replaced by a low growl. I crouched down, silently listening. The digging started again after a moment. Then there was quiet, then the digging and scratching at the plastic walls of the outer box (that must be what that’s for, I’ll have to remember that).
Silence again. I kept my vigil by the door and after a few moments I looked up at mommy. She opened the door, just a little... AND THE SHE-BEAST WAS RIGHT THERE! AAAAAAGH!! She was sitting right up against the door, her face (trying to look innocent, yeah right!) was right there! Inches from mine! It growled! Mommy shut the door again! Oh My Cod! It’s waiting for me!!!!!
Doomed! We’re all doomed! We’ll never get out! We’re trapped in here forever with only water and no food! And no box! What can we do??!! We’re accursed to dwell in the Land of Running Water and NO FOOD for the rest of our lives! What did I ever do to deserve this fate?! Oh wait, there’s the Tree High View! Mommy can open the force field, I can claw apart the mesh.. I know I know, daddy just replaced them with strong metal ones.. but I’m desperate! Er.. um.. I mean, someone has to save mommy! Yeah, that’s what I meant... heh
Mommy said not to panic, that we could wait her out.. but I wasn’t sure. I mean, Princess HissyFace can sit still for positively hours! I’m the one who can’t sit still for long, not her! Mommy checked a few more times, but every time she opened the door, there she was! Sitting in the same spot, right up against the door, glistening fangs ready to rend the flesh from our carcasses, claws honed to a keen edge ready to slash us to shreds! Oh it’s awful, why does she keep opening the door! Mommy’s crazy! I’m trapped in here with a crazy person!
Crazy, yes.. but with a plan apparently. She said she was going to open the door and quickly walk right out, forcing the Growling Creature to move back as she did, with luck she would make the she-beast move into the creatures cave so I can
I tore off down the stairs.. uh.. after knowing that mommy was safe..
It was over! The ordeal finished! Everyone still had the same number of limbs and tails they started with and all their furs intact! It was harrowing but we survived! I was back in the safety of my domain, away from the Growling Creature.
Well what fun is that...
Not five minutes later I bounced back upstairs and into the Land of Running Water and Tree High Views... I didn’t stay there though, I quickly ran to the mouth of the cave of the she-beast and looked at mommy with what she calls my goofy boy look. Maybe next time I should take an expedition into the belly of the beast and the Land of the Giant Cushy Bed..
The brave he-cat rests after his expedition